5 Easy Ways to INSTANTLY Get More Blog Followers!

Worried about people reading your dumb crap?  Worry no longer because I’m a master idea-man with all the right answers, you handsome individual.

1. Write interesting things with catchy headlines.  I know, I know: “it’s unfair that I need to actually be interesting instead of just assume that I am, or believe all of the accolades my sycophantic friends jizz all over my anxious, heaving chest.”  Believe me, I understand.

Taking the time to be more critical of yourself than you would ever be of anyone else is an absolute chore–but take my word for it: self-awareness can help with more than just getting a couple of people to click a button on the internet to LIKE AND FOLLOW THIS BLOG.

2. Ride someone else’s coat-tails.  There are a ton of people who are more popular than you on the internet.  Unless you’re Jesus.  It’s either Jesus or Beyoncé?  Whatever the case: if you can catch the eye of someone more “powerful” than you and let that person ferry readers to you, then a lot of your promotion is done just by proxy.

Utilizing this methods absolutely demands that you adhere to tip #1.  Popular methods of piggy-backing other people’s success are ASKING TO GUEST-BLOG or being a fascinating contributor in their comments sections.

3. Coerce an entire office building at gunpoint.  Nothing says “click a follow button” quite as fast as a king cobra magnum jammed down someone’s throat with a stiff ultimatum and a no-nonsense tone.  Let people know you’re a serious person with serious ideas and a serious gun with serious bullets loaded in it.

4. Guilt your friends.  Make passive-aggressive facebook and twitter posts that suggest your friends are horrible people if they don’t pretend to invest in your ideas.  Call out one or two of them by name and remind them of the time you kept your mouth shut during their abortions.  Do what you have to do for those numbers, you soul-less fuck!

5. More skin, more often.  Who doesn’t love a good tit?  Before you say “a sizable portion of the population,” need I remind you how popular shows like “The Tudors” and “True Blood” were on HBO?  Extremely.  Have you SEEN the last couple seasons of True Blood?  I have; I loved that awful show.  Part of the reason was because of it’s sex appeal, and part of it was because I’m a tasteless fool for vampires.

Don’t have skin worth showing?  Show someone else’s!  A lot of bloggers here seem to have absolutely no problem with stealing other people’s jokes verbatim and not crediting them, so why should they have qualms with stealing tits?

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